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The Dragon and The Victim

August 11, 2011 By Addison Renick 3 Comments

She is a dragon that is about to scorch her prey.  Her piercing eyes line up the target, deep black smoke clouds billows out of her nostrils, and then in an instant she strikes.  Razor sharp teeth, a long whip-lashing tongue, and finally a fiery explosion launches out from her mouth.  Red hot flames with bright white sparks consume her victim within seconds.

It’s not only her mouth that unleashes this enormousness fury but she uses her physical strength as well.  When attacking. her body grows twice it’s normal size as she rising on her hind legs and spreads her massive wings.  Her skin (normally a smooth texture that is peach in the winter and cinnamon in the summer) morphs scaly and green in order to startle and scare her victim.

Her voice booms and creates an undercurrent of  seismic waves that shakes the whole village.  The snarling, the screaming, the shirking that ensues as she consumes her victim can be heard miles away, up on the highest mountain.

How will this dragon be defeated?

Surely a brave knight will ride gallantly through the village to the dragon’s keep, slay the dragon, and save the victim.  That is how the story always ends….right?

But in truth, the victum doesn’t need saving.  The victim takes the attack willingly.

But why?

If the dragon was more than thirty six inches tall the victim would strike back with her own fiery flames of fury.

If the dragon was a man, a lover, the victim would never take this type of verbal and physical abuse.  The victim would leave the relationship in an instant, with no second thoughts or a glance back.

But the dragon is only thirty six inches tall.

The dragon is not a man.

The dragon is my three year old daughter and I am her mother.

I am the victim.

I am told that this is just what three year olds do.  They can’t control their feelings and emotions, so they lash out and throw temper tantrums.  And since I am always there, I am the one who takes the abuse.

I know she doesn’t mean it but she hurts me.

She hurts me emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically.

I know she will, as they say, grow out of this phase.  And until then I have to do my best to keep the dragon calm, to keep the dragon under control, and to help the dragon understand that this behavior is not acceptable.

But it’s hard.  And it hurts.  And I’m tired.

Filed Under: Parenting

True Self

July 27, 2011 By Addison Renick 2 Comments

I have a great boss. She is funny, nice, a good friend, extremely smart, and a lot of fun. But she has some flaws.

For instance, she is a total train wreck! And I mean that in the best possible sense of the the phrase. Though in her late forties, she still hasn’t grown up. She parties pretty hard…when she walks in to work with a huge coffee, pancakes, eggs, and bacon for breakfast from the nearby cafe… followed by a huge hamburger and fries for lunch I know that she was out late last night. Those are also the days that she comes in looking the most disheveled. Hair in a messy ponytail (and not fashionably messy), no makeup, and baggy clothes. One day she even had two different shoes on!

Another one of her flaws is she is not very patient and she is quick with her tongue. She will just come right out and call someone an idiot to their face. And if you listen just right you can hear it creeping up in her voice.  Her sentences become shorter, her tone becomes nastier, and then she strikes… it’s a verbal slashing.

But these aren’t the worst of her flaws.  Her main flaw is that she does not see herself for who she truly is.

She has no idea how she acts or looks when she comes to work hung over. She has no idea how she comes off to people when she is in her stressed out, mean state. She doesn’t understand why people feel she is hard to work with. Literally no idea.

One afternoon she and I were having a private conversation about something unimportant and she asked me why people don’t seem to respond to her well. And I told her. Because we have a good relationship and because I know she loves me I told her. I told her it’s because she can be mean to them, that she verbally slashes them, and that she can be very impatient. And do you know what happened next…she looked away from her computer and stared at me with these huge puppy dog eyes and said “what?” She honestly couldn’t believe what I had just said. I could see it in her eyes…I had just hurt her feelings and she was truly sad.

That was the moment. The moment I realized she didn’t see herself for who she truly was and how her actions affect people. She has never grown up past that childhood stage when you don’t understand how your words or actions have consequences.

After looking into her eyes I immediately back tracked saying things like “it’s OK you were frustrated” or “it’s OK because they were wrong”. I couldn’t stand seeing her so upset. But that moment has always stuck with me. I now constantly check myself to make sure I am seeing myself for who I really am. Evaluating my words and actions against what I say I believe or who I say I am.

I once read a story in college about a woman who thought every advertisement she saw was true. This product really would make her happy, this hair dye would really turn her otherwise black hair into a soft shade of auburn. And when she tried the hair dye all she could see was the beautiful auburn colored hair on the picture; not what it really looked like on her head.

The story was so sad because the woman was completely blind to her true self, her true life, her true hair color. Just like my boss is totally blind to how she acts and affects people when she is hung over or in her stressed out, mean state. I never want to make this mistake. I never want to be blind to my true self. Never. Never. Never. Even if I don’t like what I see, I want to see it. Because that is the only way I can make change and improve myself.

Filed Under: Motivate

Finding Faith

July 22, 2011 By Addison Renick 5 Comments

I am a Christian. My husband is a Christian. We both came from non-religious households. My husband’s family did have a slight Jewish side to it though. His mother’s side is Jewish but he never went to Synagogue nor did he have a bar mitzvah. So for him becoming Christian wasn’t about “switching faiths” it was about finding faith for the first time. His mother, however did not have the same view. She was devastated. She yelled, she wept, she completely flipped out.

How could she have such strong feeling about his choice of religion when she never guided him as a child? She never taught him about the Jewish religion. She never took him to Synagogue. How can she possibly care?

It was a messy, emotional day when my husband announced his new found faith to his family. Only now that I have been apart of this family for years do I have some insight to her freak out. Though she isn’t a practicing Jew, I do believe she see’s herself as a Jew in a cultrual identity, as her people. And though it is certainly her heritage and her history, it is in no way her religion. I believe many people make this mistake. Just because your parents were Christians that doesn’t mean you are…or Jewish…or Muslim.

85% of Americans classify themselves as Christians – but are they really? Do they really believe in Jesus and what it means to follow Jesus everyday? Or is it just something they say because their parents say they are Christians or their parents go to church and bring them along sometimes.

Religion and faith are personal decisions. It’s not what country your parents or your grandparents came from or the food you eat. Religion is about God, whatever God you believe in or how you view this crazy thing called life.

So, if you are a parent and you want your child to identify with one specific religion then I suggest you teach him/her that religion throughout his/her life and you follow it yourself. Because as we all know, actions speak louder than words.

Filed Under: Spirituality, Uncategorized

Rocky Relationship

July 18, 2011 By Addison Renick 3 Comments

I think it’s well documented throughout history that mother-in-laws (MILs) and daughter-in-laws (DILs) have generally rocky relationships. Of course there are exceptions, and thank goodness for them because they give the rest of us hope. Being married for years gives me personal knowledge and experience on this topic and I am sad to say that my relationship with my MIL is the norm – - not great.  It’s better, much better, than say when my husband and I first got married. Heck it’s better than three years ago….but it’s still not great. The underlining cause of my not great relationship with my MIL is that we really have nothing in common. My husband could not have married a woman more different than his mother. (So really it’s my husband’s fault.) My MIL is very into fashion, what’s trendy, and what’s popular.  I, on the other hand, have owned some of my clothes for over 5 years and don’t care about what’s trendy at all. I’m very active and my MIL is not. My MIL loves romance novels and I prefer historical fiction. You see what I am saying? We were basically doomed from the start. If she and I had just met on the street we would not have given each other a second glance.

Over the years I have spend a lot of time wondering, pondering, and analyzing over our relationship and why most of my friends don’t get along with their MILs and here’s the facts I came up with…..First and most important, women as a gender are very possessive and controlling, especially concerning the men in our lives. We want and demand the attention from our men and their loyalty. So for a mother that has been the woman in her son’s life for the past 24+ years to suddenly be demoted into second place by this other women is very upsetting. Alternatively for the wife trying to set up her new life with her husband and making their own family, it is very upsetting and threatening for her new husband to side with his mother in a disagreement. Second, women can be very mean. The moment a woman feels threatening for any reason the claws come out and we start swinging. Third, I think people are adverse to change. A new DIL shakes things up and stirs the pot in the once peaceful MIL’s life. My MIL does things very differently than I do or my mother does and vice versa. And everyone thinks their way is the right…..right? Lastly, just because two people are in a family together doesn’t mean they will get along. Even when you are biologically related, if you don’t have things in common with your siblings, parents, or cousins then you are not going to have a great relationship.

It’s a sad fact that most MILs and DILs don’t get along. Gaining these facts and trying to see things from my MIL’s perspective has been helpful for me over the years. Having children has also helped me see her side on many things. I still don’t agree with my MIL on most issues and I wouldn’t react the same way she does, but I now have a deeper appreciate for her feelings. For me and my MIL, we have both learned to agree to disagree on certain issues and to bit our tongues at times. At the end of the day most of our arguments aren’t important in the whole scheme of life and whether we like it or not we are both in this family together….forever…and ever….and ever. Oh dear.

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Filed Under: Relationships