Lately I’ve been feeling a little…empty.
My husband and I have started doing the South Beach Diet for the past week, in an attempt to address a few addictions to sugar and late night snacks. We also have in mind the fact that we have a couple beach vacations planned for the summer and both of us would rather not feel self-conscious for an entire week at a time.
What I have learned about myself through this experience is really amazing. I knew that I was turning to sugar to pick me up when I felt tired. Physically, I knew I was craving sugar throughout the day. I just had no idea that I was using sugar to boost me up emotionally through so much of the day as well.
The kids are fighting and no one wants to listen? How about a few peanut M&Ms to cheer you up?
The house has been officially labeled “disaster-area” and supper needs to get on the table but the kids are fighting? It might not solve your problems, but go ahead and grab a few bites of ice cream on the sly. That will definitely lift your spirits and might just get you through the next couple hours until bedtime…
You’ve just dropped off all the big kids so the morning is “yours” but you feel lonely, depressed and/or exhausted? Surely it isn’t too early to have a chocolate chip cookie and see if that will do the trick to satisfy your soul…
That last phrase is really what makes me stop and consider. How much importance have I been giving to food? I remember telling my husband that I loved meal times because I could eat and feel better at the end of the meal. The problem was that I often didn’t feel that good at the end of the meal, because I used sugary treats to give myself “closure.” Unfortunately, I think that closure was as much for an emotional boost, as a physical one.
So now we are eating “healthy.” Just a few complex carbs for me (since I’m still nursing), and a lot of protein and vegetables for both of us.
In some ways, it has been great. My husband and I are working together in planning meals. I feel more like we are a team. I enjoy trying to come up with the tastiest meal combinations i can, given the limitations our diet gives me. I feel like I am learning to taste and savor my food, because I know that I will be hungry again shortly.
I also find myself thinking a lot about hunger. Is it really so terrible to be hungry? I just finished reading a book about Valley Forge. The soldiers were forced to eat “firecake” most days, when no other food was available. One soldier told another that once all he and his group had left to eat was a squirrel’s head. In response to his listener’s disbelief, he says, “long as you get a smidgen of grub, like firecake or squirrel head, every day, you’ll last for months.”
We can last for months on a lot less food than we eat every day, every meal. This means that the hunger, the hollowness that I feel, both physically and psychologically, is not from starvation.
In this season of Lent, I’m (trying to be) glad for the hunger, for the emptiness I’m experiencing. I want to think about “need” and about “want.” I want to be conscious of my void. Now that I’m not using food to fill the void, what am I using? Is it something healthy? Something more satisfying than a handful of M&Ms?
I really hope to be a healthier person at the end of this experience, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and psychologically.
We shall see.
“For it is written, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
photo by Victor Bezrukov
You can find more of Melanie’s musings here.
This is such a raw and honest post, and I love it! You are choosing the more difficult path, but the also the one with the most rewards at the end. You WILL begin to crave less sugar, and you WILL eventually get to the roots of your dissatisfaction and depression. The fact that you and your husband are taking this journey together is even better, and so great for your children. Children tend to model our choices, and you have taken a bold step to actively change what you teach them. Bravo!
As a former bulimic, I know the great power food can have over us, and its quick-fix ability to mask what’s really going on inside. But also because of my history and long-time recovery, I know there are greater rewards in store for you than you can even imagine. Don’t give up! You can do this, Melanie!
Kudos to you for your simple, straightforward approach. Although simple, it is not easy to admit what we put in out mouths minute by minute, much less why. Keep doing what you are doing- take one day at a time. If you need an ear, give a yell- I’m sure Britton stands by. I am here as well, as a recovering food addict with a 100 pound weight loss 7years and holding ;-)
You said it, Ridgely…I am always here as a sounding board, supporter, whatever you need. Again, you can make these changes, one day…one thought at a time!