This week the decision handed down by Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker striking down California’s Proposition 8 banning same sex marriage made him my hero. Not because I am a resident of California, or because I am a lesbian, which I am not (not that there is anything wrong with that). It is because I am the proud adult child of a lesbian mother.
My mother and her partner have been in a committed relationship for over thirty years. Growing up in Texas with “two moms” in the late 70’s and 80’s was an experience that, as you can imagine given the time and location, made me the strong woman I am today. It’s where I first learned the meaning of fight or flight. It is also the time and place that I first learned that I was in fact a fighter.
The media gives a voice to the beautiful and passionate gay and lesbian couples who just want to be recognized and protected as the families they are, the morally offended and threatened, and even the quiet ho-humming of those who are laid out spread eagle in the middle of the road just wishing that the controversy will swerve around them and keep on going have a voice.
The voices I rarely hear however are those of the children of gay and lesbian parents. There is a new generation of children whose voices deserve to be heard. A generation that is exponentially larger and unhidden than the one I grew up with in the 70’s and 80’s. I grew up in a time where we were silent. We learned to keep the nature of our families a secret knowing what would result with our sharing of this information.
When I was nine or ten I shared the news that I had two moms with my two best friends. Shortly after the sharing of that information they were not allowed to play with me or have sleepovers at my house any longer. It was at that moment that I learned to just shut up. It was a different time and place, it was hard, it was painful, it was the result of fear and ignorance. It didn’t have to be that way.
When I see the strides being made in gay and lesbian rights today I think of their children and my heart breathes a sigh of relief. When I hear of the losses in their parent’s battle for human rights I think of them as well and I feel their pain. I was that child, the child just wishing that all of the world, not just a select few, would see my family as whole, as conventional as theirs.
We are now living in a new time, we’ve moved forward, but we haven’t moved forward enough. Every small victory is a win for these children and the children that these couples have yet to have but will, either way. I am watching a new generation of children growing up in families that defy convention but define the true meaning of love, perseverance and acceptance. As I sit here, now a thirty eight year old mother myself, I long for the world to hear the voices, the wishes, the hopes and dreams of inclusion of the children of gay and lesbian parents. These children equally deserve to have their families recognized, accepted and not discriminated against.
I leave you with a passage from page 95 of Judge Vaughn Walker’s ruling that struck me most for it is in these words of wisdom that I know that these children now have a voice and that someone is now in fact listening.
70. The gender of a child’s parent is not a factor in a child’s adjustment. The sexual orientation of an individual does not determine whether that individual can be a good parent. Children raised by gay or lesbian parents are as likely as children raised by heterosexual parents to be healthy, successful and well-adjusted. The research supporting this conclusion is accepted beyond serious debate in the field of developmental psychology….
71. Children do not need to be raised by a male parent and a female parent to be well-adjusted, and having both a male and a female parent does not increase the likelihood that a child will be well-adjusted….
I know the above to be true. I am the end result, I am the proof.
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Very eloquently spoken. I would love to see your 2 mothers run off to CA to make it legal. I’d be the second to buy my plane ticket after you.
Fascinating perspective on the issue. A as you mention it is a perspective we very rarely hear from….
Well written and timely essay. Very Smartly.
I can’t even imagine what your childhood must’ve been like. Yeah, I have always wondered why we never hear from the kids of same-sex relationships. And, I have never subscribed to the theory that living with gay parents will make a child gay. I’m glad Judge Vaughn Walker’s words are now immortalized, and I also hope that the children of today, growing up in same situation you did will be accepted and not excluded. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Great post!
Lovely piece! Thank you.
GREAT post!! One of my friends had two moms… a male. And he turned out just fine! It amazes me that people think being so hateful will change things our help their cause!
Thank you for this wonderful post! As a member of an Open and Affirming church, Prop 8 hurt me to my core. The reasonings behind the proposition made me angry as both a supporter of all people and as a single parent. As Judge Walker pointed out in #71, the lack of a parent of either gender does not make a child ill-adjusted. Having raised my 6-year-old for the past 5 years with minimal contact with her father (by his choice), I’ve put in extra effort to make sure she is not lacking in any aspect of her life; and without sounding like a braggart, I’ve done a fine job of it.
It doesn’t matter who the parents are married to or dating or not, love makes the child happy, not a nuclear family.
What a great post – thank you for sharing your story!
I remember election night 2008, when Obama was declared the next President & tears streamed down my face because my daughter would grow up not thinking there’s anything remarkable about a black man as President. An hour later, the tears were back because the people of my state, my neighbors, want her to think there’s something wrong with her 2 uncles.
I’m so elated that Prop 8 was overturned. Today’s a good day – but the fight goes on.
Excellent!!! I love that you wrote this post. You’re right, I never really thought about how we don’t hear from kids raised by two dads or two moms. There are so many people who speak, ignorantly, about how it would be for a kid to grow up in that household, yet I’ve never heard the perspective you gave today. Great post. The fight continues …
I LOVE this. Right on, lady.
Bless you for feeling empowered and emboldened to work harder for these children instead of reacting the way I do, with blind rage that there’s nothing I can do.
Because that’s probably not even right.
Keep being strong, lead by example and rock on.
So nice to hear this side of things. I was blindly, benignly and mildly on the other side of this issue for a long time (not because I had anything against gay couples, but the marriage part was what I hadn’t worked out). Then I sat down and really made myself think about each part of the issue, and I came out the other side in favor of same-sex marriage, without reservation. Who knew? Yesterday was a great day, and here’s to more great days. Great post!
When Florida passed a similar referendum as Prop 8, I was very disappointed. Maybe with this California ruling, similar laws will be overturned. It is more than passed time.
My daughter voted in her first election in 2008. She and I both voted against the Florida proposal. I told her that in my life time mixed race couples could not marry, and that the same arguments are being used to ban same-sex marriages. I hope that in my lifetime, this ban is also lifted nationwide.
Perhaps we don’t hear from children of Gays and Lesbians because they are just so well-adjusted. Perhaps there’s something to every child being a wanted child.
While I cannot speak to the experiences of gays and lesbians or their children, being heterosexual myself, I would like to say how pleased I am for all of you that CA Proposition 8 was struck down.
I am not a constitutional scholar … far from it. But then, again, neither were the authors of the Constitution, nor, I suspect were the authors of the 14th Amendment which reads:
“1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
Seems pretty simple to me. My heartfelt congratulations to all of you who worked so hard to achieve victory in this important fight against discrimination.
Thank you.
I’ve been following your blog for a while now, and this is something I didn’t know about you! It’s wonderful to hear your perspective on this issue.
everything about this post is true. keep it up. i wish more will go out and share their stories.
Great information! I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now. Thanks!
I would like to stay in touch, What is your facebook page?
Wow I have read your article and by the way I found you website on Yahoo and I think after I read particularpost on you website especially this one I have my own opinion about what should I comment on the next hang out with my family, maybe tomorrow I will tell my familyabout this one and get debate.
Hey dude, Steve here… Keep ‘em coming… you are doing a great job with this blog, inspiring many newbies like me… can’t tell you how much I appreciate all you do! – Steve